Latest Updates....aka I need to get MOVING!

This is the newsletter I recently created to showcase how baller my family is and to create a friendly competition. I would not even mind if things got nasty and non-friendly (or even naan-friendly) because then I would have a better shot at winning (and that would be delicious).

1. Note: Christine is probably going to win. She can hula-hoop with fire
2. Let's reiterate. SHE CAN HULA HOOP WITH FIRE
3. I'm not sure you understand. Please watch this video. There's even a website!
4. I know, Megan is cute. Victoria lost $20 on amazon and has a fake venus flytrap. but Christine can hula-hoop with FIRE. When she moves in gay or straight bars, FLAMES SURROUND HER BODY. HER HIPS DO NOT LIE.
5. The gauntlet has been thrown.

Risky Bus-iness.

Blogging is hard work. Some would even say it is a full-time job, something that I now have (thus, less time for blogging). Having a job isn't all it's cracked up to be. I've covered the major pros and cons below:

Pros:
Getting money
Getting paid
Health Insurance
Subsidized MBTA card (good for "bus roulette"--see below)

Cons:
Less time for Indian lunch buffets
Riding the green line
Working

Having a job is good in the sense that I am conforming to societal norms and have a better-than average chance of retaining my social skills (which were becoming dangerously low on a 1-5 Likert scale of "How long can I carry on a conversation without referencing the bus schedule?" to "Shots! Shots! Shots!")

In that vein, I will take this time to discuss one of my newest and most masochistic pasttimes, which naturally involves the Boston MBTA. Because I have been injured, I have to think of more creative ways to challenge my mind with minutes on minutes of boredom each morning. One of the best ways to do this is via a little game I invented called "Bus Roulette". Bus Roulette is as follows:

To play, you (me, in this case, as nobody else in their right mind would want to participate in this "game") would walk out the door at roughly 5:14 a.m. and hop on the first bus in either direction. This will most likely not lead you anywhere near your destination as the bus system is neither linear nor direct. At the end of the bus line, you simply get off and get on the next bus, also probably headed the wrong direction. This is where the 5:14 departure time comes in handy--bus roulette can be played all morning! Get that morning commuter traffic, some tunes on the ipod, and you can have 3 hours of bus roulette all before work if you're lucky! I have been SO lucky lately, and even got to go to Lechmere AND Dudley Station all before my Tuesday 9 o'clock meeting! I really live large these days.

Additionally, Bus Roulette has given me lots of time to Scheme and Plan and think of things I regret saying or doing. Truly, Bus Roulette runs the gamut of emotions!

Gamut of Emotions:
>:(
:)
:P
<:O
:/
;)
8)

>:) This one is my favorite. It's the sneakiest.

Bus Roulette has also allowed me to categorize the buses based on "mythicality", as in how mythical the route is. The 1 bus, for example, is completely non-mythical. The 85 bus, however, is one of the MOST mythical. Anything with three digits is mythical as well and is NOT to be included in Bus Roulette (too high of stakes, might end up in Swampscott!!)

...And this is what happens to social skills. 2.5 and dropping, baby!!

Deals on Deals

It seems as though I have neglected to post for awhile. I am, however, incredibly busy, and cannot be a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants blogger; that would be irresponsible and selfish. Do not worry, each post is handcrafted and detailed to provide the utmost in reader experience.

I would like to use this space to discuss the hardships of living the life in the lap of loyalty. "Loyalty?", you may ask, "Isn't it the lap of luxury? And don't you live in EAST Cambridge? It's practically Compton with less sassy cheerleading and more annoying Harvard Quidditch players (another time....DON'T get me started.)!"

But yes, I do mean loyalty. I am the LOYALest of them all. If Snow White had to choose a different adjective besides, "fair", that one way sham mirror would have my face just ZOOMING out of it. If I were born 200 years earlier, I would single-handedly make up most of those English sympathists. In fact, compared to me, Lassie is practically Benedict Arnold!

But, not-so-loyal Tory readers, I can chalk up this extreme to the four following factors:

a) Extreme amount of Time on Hands (see "things on things")
b) Lack of a full time job
c) A limited income (see part b)
d) A competitive and enterprising spirit--TRUST me on this one.

As it turns out, there are many Deals To Be Had, if only one knows where to look. Pretty much any restaurant in the greater Boston area has a loyalty club just WAITING to be joined by hungry ex-lightweights like me who have multiple gmail addresses and daytime Twitter access. In any given day, I can buy one to get one free, celebrate my birthday (or half birthday--thank you Ben and Jerry's), or simply receive $20 off for my Indian predilection! Coupled with the scrill I get from my life as a serial psychology subject, I haven't had to make a non-cash, non-coupon transaction since Easter! I'm definitely going to need to "monetize" this shit (see previous posts, also see part b above)

Currently, I'm scoping some mad deals up north, in the honeymoon-worthy idyllic hamlet of Niagara Falls (according to a friend, "If Canadians were in charge of Las Vegas, it would be Niagara Falls"...I would say this is true, although Vegas has practically NO water, let alone an entire falls-full). We went on the Maid of the Mist, and I will say, she was no maiden--navigated those falls with nary a slip-up (but at least we had protection!) and tomorrow the Day of Deals is going to begin with a $30 Fun Pass, which includes Dinosaur minigolf and admission to the wax museum. a TRUE STEAL if ever there was one.

The last tip I will leave for those who wish to be loyal and savvy and cool like me (but not cooler than me, thank you Mike Posner) is that you probably won't come close. I am the loyalest. I will give a word of warning to anyone who reads Psychology journals, though, and that word (phrase, rather) is that any major studies coming out of Harvard in the next few years are most likely significantly KTO-centric in their data set. If a "Study on Developmental Cognition" shows the trend for 18-to-34-year olds to prefer the color purple, cupcakes, and well-priced Indian food, I would be very suspicious about those T-scores. Psych!

Overall, I need, in this order:

1. Beer
2. Beer
3. Job
4. Celebratory champagne (I have a job!--see #3)
5. Harp
6. A witty entourage of minions (I have a job now, someone has to scour for Deals!)
7. Respect and fear of others
8. A calzone--(15% off first online order from Mangiamo)
9. Bros on Bros
10. $22 dollars of candy from bulk barn

Done and Done.
No Limits, No Regrets, No Standards, No Shame.

I really need this to be saved forever so I can watch it whenever I want.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zv8yEMRDe_w

Things on Things

Oh Hi. I did not see you there. (this is a reference to the infamous "Girl Scout Video" of my uni-browed, swamp-haired youth). It's been awhile. I have been, in the words of Lady Gaga and also my sister Megan, then aged 3 (on our answering machine) "kind of busy".

I'm sure many of you ("many" may never be a correct term to use when describing my blog readership) have heard T.I.'s "Whatever You Like". I know I have! I have 3 versions on my computer, in fact. It is a great song, especially when remixed, mixed, shaken or stirred (but definitely on ice!). The best part of this song, however, is the fact that you can have "stacks on deck" and "patron on ice" whenever you like!!!

Of course, being as we were of little stacks and many snacks, it was often the latter on deck, with tepid patron. Sometimes we would even have snacks on snacks on deck!

And also of course, as the rage spread eastward, things became more tricky. What about snacks on ice? That would work quite well for snacks of tiny patron bottles, but not as well for cheez-its (Nectar of the Goddddds!). And while I would like to have "jobs on jobs" or even "jobs on deck", I would not so much like to have "patron on jobs". Then I would have NO jobs (on jobs).

And while having "dollars on dollars" can be super fun, it is less entertaining when you have to go spend "dollars on drinks" (dollars on snacks is justifiable). "Deets on deets" are always fun, "texts on patron" can be dangerous.

Faced with these lexical quandaries, I decided to take a purely analytical approach: a SPREADSHEET. My spreadsheets have garnered acclaim up and down the eastern seaboard, but I think this one puts the rest to shame purely on its ability to transcend cultural, societal, and probably physical boundaries. Also it is filled with the word "snack", lending a certain (OBVIOUS) appeal. Why would you ever want to read about the cost of carbon capture retrofits when a spreadsheet with "deets on bros" could instead be examined? (similar to the "why a pocock when a brocock is available?" dilemma)

May I therefore direct your attention to the following spreadsheet, designed to elucidate and educate. I have also color-coded so that there is no secret about which combinations work best. Clicking on the picture will make it a little larger (I had to hack into some code to get this special large size YOU'RE WELCOME).

THINGS ON THINGS (click to see the full image):

*My birthday cake every year! See here for one year's version.
** See: Cakewrecks.com (truly terrifying)
*** Video here
****REMIXXXXXXXXXX

As is evident, red=bad, green=good, yellow=AWESOME and purple= my favorite color.

The purple coded boxes are also the most fun. I know this because:

a) purple is my favorite color and is also the color of my yearly CAKE (see footnote above), which is always delicious and fun.
b) In training for my spelling bees, I have learned that words like "mahimahi" and "bigwig" are called "reduplicative" words, and have become a tenet of "new world" languages simply because they are fun to say. ("SNACKS ON SNAAAAAACKKKKKKKKKS!")

So many things have been uncovered now that I hardly know where to begin! Do I want to go buy some "cats on cats"? Hopefully I will have some "cakes on deck" soon (bake-off this weekend!). Also, I knew I loved remixes but hereby they can be called "songs on songs"! Truly, this was a mine of gems just waiting to be extracted (sorry, too much coal research--I need some drinks on drinks!)

Already, I know that this spreadsheet has come in useful. Sonia, in fact, fearful of accidentally wearing "tats on jobs", printed out a version for her cubicle wall. Now when she goes out with bros and is tempted by "texts on drinks", she will be able to search the recesses of her mind and remember "NO! Red=BAD", and have some "texts on ice" instead.

Intriguing.

In the words of CRK and Gossip Girl,

Signing off,

XOXO.

(NOTE/EDIT/VINCE: "bros on bros" in red is not a homophobic jab, but rather a reference to me having to sleep on the floor in Canada because there were too many bros in one bed. I want to be clear, because honestly I wouldn't mind a few bros on bros in my life right now. I'll have to change this probably once the blog goes viral)

Not a comprehensive list.

needs:

Food
Shelter
Candy
Job (!!!!!)
Water
Compass
Map
Winter coat
Ropes
Knives


wants:

Love
Affection
My name in lights
$$$$$
Candy
No Job
G'Zone phone with compass and map!
Funfetti
Fashion
Tall gray boots
Whatever I can get

$$$$$$$

One of these Days I will press the "Monetize" tab on the blog list...I have so many stocks to invest in so I can Get Rich Quick!