$$$$$$$

One of these Days I will press the "Monetize" tab on the blog list...I have so many stocks to invest in so I can Get Rich Quick!

Gmail thinks I'm a huge loser

These are the ads I've had on my Gmail in the past few days. Hella targeted advertising.

"Get her back! http://www.getyourexgirlfriendback.com"
"Obese Mobility" scooters
"Designer totes" (oh you know, Totes)
"Free shipping on pudding!"

also, a very important addition: HELLO CARLY!!!!!!!!!!!

Procrastination Central

Alright, before I start an outcry from the billions of people who follow my blog worldwide (oh hey Dane, Kelly, CARLY) I will begin by saying this will probably easily be the most disjointed post thus far. Many reasons exist for this lack of cohesion, including

1. hunger
2. it is 6:45 a.m. (veritably NOON in the old days! However, I am "retired" now)
3. The real world.

Ok, so a big part of the real world (and the fake world, actually) is procrastination. As a 20-something who has had the internet since about 6th grade, I have developed my procrastination skills from a young age (Neopets, anyone?). Recently, this has come in the form of such great sites as:

Pimpthatsnack.com which is my new personal favorite. Basically you think of a snack, and then you think of a way to make a GIANT version of said snack. It's pretty much my dream site. Now, when I am at work, I can make lists of snacks to pimp if I hit a roadblock on a project (so far I'm thinking: s'more, swedish fish, donut, cupcake EDIT: been done, apparently).

Crumbs Bakery . Honestly, this site is trouble because it has a "shipping" option. For those too scared to click the link, it is a link to a cupcake site which offers ZOOM on all cupcake flavors. This is more than I could honestly ask for, but now having it I get mad at other cupcake sites which do not offer the zoom feature on their cupcakes. How am I supposed to know which one to get without a 50x top and side view? PLEASE. just PLEASE.

On that vein, I would also like to mention that googling "cupcake" or "giant cupcake" or "best cupcake" takes up a large portion (most?) of my day....

In other news, I got into a semi-brawl with a lady on the subway. I did not know things like this happened in real life (or in fake life!), especially to people like mild-mannered Katie. Basically, I was texting away while riding the subway (again, a child of technology, texting is one of my fortes...also we have unlimited texting thanks to one of my sister's sprees). and I decided to browse through my old photos. While doing so, the light on my phone turned on I guess, and the lady sitting across the aisle from me thought I was taking a picture of her boyfriend. She proceeded to confront me, and the semi-brawl ensued (by semi-brawl, just think an argument like the ones that happen on Charm School). It was bizarre and a little traumatizing, but will be funny in a week or two. Also now. it is funny now.

Another anecdote of note: this site. Yes, I went on a CBD (nbd). I am not sure if blind dating is my thing, but one of my mottos is to do things for the story later. This was for sure one of those times, as the story is good but the experience was not.

Also, my roommate just got the Sims 3 (so while I play Civ3, she plays sims 3....we're really not great at the real world---fake world, though yes!) and so I have a virtual self I helped create. Except she is so lame! All she does is sit around and play computer games and does NOT go to any parties (she has a bf....) and so we made her host her own birthday party, but nobody came! She ate the cake by herself and then played some computer games. (my dad said my virtual self sounds like my real self. Except she has a fixie, and thus wayyyy more (fake) street cred.)

Also I just noticed this blog has a "monetize" option. hmmmmm. ($$$$$!)

As I am quickly becoming a hardened and embittered East Coast "biddie", my blog posts will undoubtedly take on a more jaded tone. However, it is hard to be TOO jaded when the MIT grad student you sublet from does not mention the giant flatscreen TV complete with cable he is leaving in his (your) apartment. ok now for the fun part: your=me!!! so yes. I get to watch TV on a flatscreen whenever I want!!! (like...when I work "remotely", for example).

Oh also I bought these (NOT VINTAGE). As Sonia says, they are like having a "perma-wink". So true, sonia. The bros will love it.

So while Bro-ston, MA, hasn't quite lived up to its hype, I can't say that it's let me down or made me completely jaded yet (I even saw a clover patch walking to work the other day!). We will see how this evolves as the winter sets in (judging by current weather patterns, this should be any day now) but for now, I am happy to think about cupcakes and avoid the subway at all costs. (both healthy activities, I would think).

The following is an excerpt from a recently re-uncovered story I wrote when I was about 8....it's a typical coming of age tale about...you guessed it...disabled orphans escaping an orphanage (also a feature-length film).

I awoke the next day to the sound of Xellian crying. Her metal leg had fallen off, and poor Xellian was at a loss. Grinchley, apparently, had torn the leg off because little Xellian had fallen off her bed and onto the hard stone floor. Grinchley had yelled and said “You Two! First it’s Illuna, and now you, Xellian. No meals for either of you till tomorrow!” and Grinchley promptly tore the leg off.

“Xellian, It’s Okay.” I said as I desperately tried to put the leg back on. The bold finally worked and Xellian was thrown against the wall (from the force). A strange sound was heard and the wall slid back to reveal a secret tunnel.

“Xelli!” I cried. “Grab the matches under the bed, and run and get Nora (and a big branch)! We can’t risk taking Kylee, she might be too much trouble!”

Xellian promptly returned with Nora and the biggest, bestest branch I have ever seen. Xellian got Gloria and I advanced toward the tunnel, but the narrow opening would not accept my wheelchair!

Nora pushed, and Xellian pulled, and I was pushing those wheels as hard as heck! Finally, and not a moment too soon, because Grinchley was opening the door, my wheelchair gave way to the tunnel’s opening. Inside the tunnel was much more spacious. Nora lit the torch, and signed to us that she was going to keep a diary. Xellian burst out with laughter when she heard Grinchley shouting, “Illuna! Xellian! Come back here and bring Nora with you!”. Like we’d listen to Grinchley. We creeped farther into the cave. Nora noticed a sliver of light coming through a stone. She peered through the opening. “Guys,” she signed, “look at this.” I wheeled over to her. “Nora! We’ve found a mirror!” As Nora and I gazed in awe, Xellian burst out in cry.

“Illuna! Nora!” she cried. “Sharks got Gloria!”

I reeled around in utter disbelief. 3 frothy rats were after Xellian’s doll.

“Help, guys!” Xellian pleaded.

Xellian was right. The rats did look like sharks. With cut tails, and torn ears, they were monstrous creatures. What was I to do? We ran. We ran and ran until

“Ouch!” I slammed into a wall. So did Xellian and Nora.We were trapped. All we could see was a hole with a sliver of silver moonlight. Nora had a brilliant idea. She reflected the light with the mirror. The moonlight was enough to see by, so with our torch, the room was lit. Nora signed to us to go to sleep while she wrote in her diary. Xellian crawled into my lap, and we fell asleep to the sound of Nora chip-chip-chipping away at a slab of rock.

Broin' out, 24/7.

Recently, I have been directed to this blog. However, though bros may or may not like this site (I am no bro), for those of us who make it our priority to try to understand the "bro", we find this site to be woefully innaccurate/inadequate/impotent. And a bro would NEVER be impotent. Thus, I have, with much scheming and research with Carly, fueled by candy and Roctane (and coffee--black for Car, lots of sugar for me), compiled some thoughts on "What a Bro Wants"

First, some facts about bros.

Things a bro would eat:
macabroni and cheese
meat
brozen brogurt (also, we like to have Bros and yogurt).
anything charred
burritos
GU
anything that goes well with beer
Anything from the Brolific Oven
Brotisserie chicken (anything brotisserie, really...bonus if charred)

Places from whence bros come
Boy-Z, Idabro
Brohio
Broman Empire
Frats
Sororities (early in the morning, stride of pride)
Former Broviet Union
Bromania
Texas

Typical Hobbies of Bros
Brochet
Embro(i)dery
Brewin'
Broin'
Bromancin' (thrones, chicks, bros, etc.)
Browling
Brawling
Soccer

Mythical Bros
Broseidon: ruling the brocean with his giant three pronged....trident
Brorion: easy to spot in the sky because of his 3-star belt. shirtless obviously. kind of a tool.
Brodysseus: he's pretty much the man, even helping to win the brojan war.
Bromeo: the black sheep of the bros.... violated "bros before hos"
Nabroleon: compensated in full for his short stature
Nabroleon Dynamite: not a bro.

Many may think that being a bro is nbd, nbd NBD. However, bros lead very calculated, precise lives. A lot of "behind the scenes" planning goes into the bro lifestyle. For example, a typical bro-day might look like this:

6:00. wake up. NOT.
Alternatively, wake up, vomit, go back to sleep.
Alternatively, go to sleep.
note: if you are a sporty bro, you might actually have to get up. yikes.
7:00...
8:00...
9:00...
10:00. ok a bro might wake up now, only because if he is in a sorority, the sorority is awake by now. And they have a strict "no boys" policy. Yes, this applies to bros.
11-3: class, interspersed with some shirtless volleyball, broin' out with the bros, eating full meals, and just being a bro.
3-6: gym. lift as much weight as possible. wear cutoff shirt. do NOT elliptical. The only acceptable cardio a bro can do is basketball (an excellent cardibrovascular workout).
6pm: DINNER! Bros unite for the most important meal of the day. Make sure to get lots of brotein and carbrohydrates.
7-10: Brews and bros, BREWS AND BROS. brews and bros? brews. bros.
10-6: GET SOME. This is the only time a bro may interact with females (all other time is strict "bro time"). even then, only certain types of females can be accepted into the exclusive brociety, so a bro must choose carefully. Being a bro is hard work!!
Repeat.


For anyone still confused, may I direct you to this.

DONE AND DONE.

60% of My Diet

Three Musketeers are pretty much worthless. They are identical to an oatmeal cookie in that they are better than nothing, but you would never actively choose one given the choice. They are sort of like the proverbial shunned delinquent brother to the older and cooler Snickers and Milky Ways of the candy family. Recently, I had a discussion with someone about what constitutes a "Three Musketeers" of candy, and it got me thinking. Basically, I can't understand how the following "treats" stay in business.

Now and Laters: have you ever tried biting into concrete? Because that it what it feels like to bite into a Now and Later, except concrete doesn't rip the enamel off of your teeth as well.

Laffy Taffy: the main value of a Laffy Taffy is in the joke on the wrapper (although since these are often sent in by people like "Jimmy, 7" their quality is variable. Probably Laffy Taffy's greatest contribution to society is in the song, "shake that Laffy Taffy". And honestly, who would want to bite into something being "shaken" at a sweaty frat party? (do NOT answer that.)

Almond Joy/Mounds: can someone explain the difference between these two candies? Because to me, the main similarity is that in any bag of mixed candy, these will be the last ones left, bar none (maybe the Three Musketeers). I have once ventured to eat an Almond Joy (or maybe it was a Mounds, hard to say), but the only "Joy" I felt was in the fact that it was a "fun" size, and therefore only lingered on my palate for a brief three seconds (chewing fast).

Candy Buttons: these are the WORST. Besides being drops of hard, tasteless, who KNOWS what on a sheet of whatever 8.5x11 the manufacturer had lying around, they appear to be made of some sort of GLUE which ensures that any innocent consumer eats at least as much paper as they do "candy".

Black Licorice: While I enjoy black licorice, many people do NOT, and in fact HATE it. This makes any type of black licorice candy a very smart choice for hungry people like me who do not like to share their candy. Go to a movie with a date who doesn't like black licorice, buy a box of Good N' Plentys and the chance he'll ask to share is slim to none (caveat: if he hates black licorice, chances of a makeout sesh are ALSO slim to none. A small price to pay for getting PLENTY.)

Good Candies (extremely subjective...could also read: "The Way to My Heart"):
Jujyfruits
Dots
Jujyfruits
Butterfingers
Swedish Fish
Swedish Berries
Swedish Men (golden gods, all of them)
Jujyfruits
Twizzlers
Cadbury Mini-eggs

Also, Carly says you ("you" being "us", who are candy and personality connoisseurs) can judge a person by the type of candy they like.

For instance: anyone who would actually put a Now and Later into their mouth, attempt to chew, and actually enjoy it is either extremely dim, extremely stubborn, severly calorically deficient, or some combination of the three. (alternatively, they can't be blamed if they actually wanted a little bit of concrete, as some do.)

Another way candy can be the metaphorical "window to the soul" is if you ever see someone willingly buy a plain Hershey's bar. boRING. The only way this is acceptable is if you (the person) is planning on making S'mores. And THIS is only acceptable if we (=ME) are invited.

Also. People who share candy are NOT to be trusted. I would never share more than one bite of candy (unless I bought a three musketeers. In this case, TAKE IT ALL, and then TAKE ME to the hospital. Something is obviously wrong)

The best thing about candy is that it tastes delicious, and can encompass anything from a three foot gummy snake ("Big Fat Hissy Fits") to a tiny little bite of heaven (Big Hunk minis) to a singular grain of Pixy Stix sugar (from the giant plastic size, obviously). I'm not going to say anything sappy like "candy brings us together" because honestly, that would only happen if you tried to eat a Now and Later and then kiss someone.
GOOD LUCK trying to get out of THAT jam. can you say TST?

BLISS:

I just like to look at this.

Double the Fun?

The tandem.
Oh, the tandem. When I first asked my parents if I could bring it to school freshman year I had no idea how much it would come to mean to not only me, but my friends (one at a time, on the back).

We used it a lot sophomore year; I would take my roommates to their classes, pick them up at the end, and then we would ride to lunch. The perfect date. Also the tandem always came in handy when someone had had a few too many beers but didn't want to get a BUI. Solution: put 'em on the back of the tandem.

More recently, I've had to use the tandem as my main bike, since my regular bike was stolen (and found again--actually a really good story; I ended up picking a lock and confronting a kid outside of Wilbur Dining...) and now has a flat tire. LUCKILY, I have the tandem as a fall-back option!

The tandem has some pros and cons however, when used as a regular bike.

Pros:
I do not have to walk
I can give people a ride if need be
People get out of the WAY for the tandem
Nobody will steal it (tooooo obvious)

Cons:
Dead weight with nobody on the back
Tandem--not so good on hills
Turning is more difficult
The stares I receive

And yes, there are some stares. Some people get really excited and yell "Tandem!" Most old men who are creepy try to make a joke like "looks like you lost someone on the back". ha.

Sometimes I think about whether I could use a tandem to get bros, like, ride by and offer one a ride, then ride off into the sunset (as long as it's not uphill). This has not happened. My interactions with people because of the tandem have been:

"Oh my god, are you ok?" (when I took a turn too sharply and the back handlebars caught on a pole...NOVICE)
"SWEET BIKE"
"Well, looks like I'm caught on the tandem" (some kid whose sleeve got snagged on the tandem handle bars)
"TANDEMMMM!"
"My mom said she saw the strangest sight today! Someone was riding a bike, but it had an extra seat on the back! But she was riding by herself! I said, 'Mom, I think I might know that girl'"



none of these involve sunsets. HowEVER one thing the tandem does do is spark conversations (even if they're with freshmen and their moms, talking about what a strange sight I am), so I'm not giving up hope.

Thanks, Tandem.