Things on Things

Oh Hi. I did not see you there. (this is a reference to the infamous "Girl Scout Video" of my uni-browed, swamp-haired youth). It's been awhile. I have been, in the words of Lady Gaga and also my sister Megan, then aged 3 (on our answering machine) "kind of busy".

I'm sure many of you ("many" may never be a correct term to use when describing my blog readership) have heard T.I.'s "Whatever You Like". I know I have! I have 3 versions on my computer, in fact. It is a great song, especially when remixed, mixed, shaken or stirred (but definitely on ice!). The best part of this song, however, is the fact that you can have "stacks on deck" and "patron on ice" whenever you like!!!

Of course, being as we were of little stacks and many snacks, it was often the latter on deck, with tepid patron. Sometimes we would even have snacks on snacks on deck!

And also of course, as the rage spread eastward, things became more tricky. What about snacks on ice? That would work quite well for snacks of tiny patron bottles, but not as well for cheez-its (Nectar of the Goddddds!). And while I would like to have "jobs on jobs" or even "jobs on deck", I would not so much like to have "patron on jobs". Then I would have NO jobs (on jobs).

And while having "dollars on dollars" can be super fun, it is less entertaining when you have to go spend "dollars on drinks" (dollars on snacks is justifiable). "Deets on deets" are always fun, "texts on patron" can be dangerous.

Faced with these lexical quandaries, I decided to take a purely analytical approach: a SPREADSHEET. My spreadsheets have garnered acclaim up and down the eastern seaboard, but I think this one puts the rest to shame purely on its ability to transcend cultural, societal, and probably physical boundaries. Also it is filled with the word "snack", lending a certain (OBVIOUS) appeal. Why would you ever want to read about the cost of carbon capture retrofits when a spreadsheet with "deets on bros" could instead be examined? (similar to the "why a pocock when a brocock is available?" dilemma)

May I therefore direct your attention to the following spreadsheet, designed to elucidate and educate. I have also color-coded so that there is no secret about which combinations work best. Clicking on the picture will make it a little larger (I had to hack into some code to get this special large size YOU'RE WELCOME).

THINGS ON THINGS (click to see the full image):

*My birthday cake every year! See here for one year's version.
** See: Cakewrecks.com (truly terrifying)
*** Video here
****REMIXXXXXXXXXX

As is evident, red=bad, green=good, yellow=AWESOME and purple= my favorite color.

The purple coded boxes are also the most fun. I know this because:

a) purple is my favorite color and is also the color of my yearly CAKE (see footnote above), which is always delicious and fun.
b) In training for my spelling bees, I have learned that words like "mahimahi" and "bigwig" are called "reduplicative" words, and have become a tenet of "new world" languages simply because they are fun to say. ("SNACKS ON SNAAAAAACKKKKKKKKKS!")

So many things have been uncovered now that I hardly know where to begin! Do I want to go buy some "cats on cats"? Hopefully I will have some "cakes on deck" soon (bake-off this weekend!). Also, I knew I loved remixes but hereby they can be called "songs on songs"! Truly, this was a mine of gems just waiting to be extracted (sorry, too much coal research--I need some drinks on drinks!)

Already, I know that this spreadsheet has come in useful. Sonia, in fact, fearful of accidentally wearing "tats on jobs", printed out a version for her cubicle wall. Now when she goes out with bros and is tempted by "texts on drinks", she will be able to search the recesses of her mind and remember "NO! Red=BAD", and have some "texts on ice" instead.

Intriguing.

In the words of CRK and Gossip Girl,

Signing off,

XOXO.

(NOTE/EDIT/VINCE: "bros on bros" in red is not a homophobic jab, but rather a reference to me having to sleep on the floor in Canada because there were too many bros in one bed. I want to be clear, because honestly I wouldn't mind a few bros on bros in my life right now. I'll have to change this probably once the blog goes viral)