60% of My Diet

Three Musketeers are pretty much worthless. They are identical to an oatmeal cookie in that they are better than nothing, but you would never actively choose one given the choice. They are sort of like the proverbial shunned delinquent brother to the older and cooler Snickers and Milky Ways of the candy family. Recently, I had a discussion with someone about what constitutes a "Three Musketeers" of candy, and it got me thinking. Basically, I can't understand how the following "treats" stay in business.

Now and Laters: have you ever tried biting into concrete? Because that it what it feels like to bite into a Now and Later, except concrete doesn't rip the enamel off of your teeth as well.

Laffy Taffy: the main value of a Laffy Taffy is in the joke on the wrapper (although since these are often sent in by people like "Jimmy, 7" their quality is variable. Probably Laffy Taffy's greatest contribution to society is in the song, "shake that Laffy Taffy". And honestly, who would want to bite into something being "shaken" at a sweaty frat party? (do NOT answer that.)

Almond Joy/Mounds: can someone explain the difference between these two candies? Because to me, the main similarity is that in any bag of mixed candy, these will be the last ones left, bar none (maybe the Three Musketeers). I have once ventured to eat an Almond Joy (or maybe it was a Mounds, hard to say), but the only "Joy" I felt was in the fact that it was a "fun" size, and therefore only lingered on my palate for a brief three seconds (chewing fast).

Candy Buttons: these are the WORST. Besides being drops of hard, tasteless, who KNOWS what on a sheet of whatever 8.5x11 the manufacturer had lying around, they appear to be made of some sort of GLUE which ensures that any innocent consumer eats at least as much paper as they do "candy".

Black Licorice: While I enjoy black licorice, many people do NOT, and in fact HATE it. This makes any type of black licorice candy a very smart choice for hungry people like me who do not like to share their candy. Go to a movie with a date who doesn't like black licorice, buy a box of Good N' Plentys and the chance he'll ask to share is slim to none (caveat: if he hates black licorice, chances of a makeout sesh are ALSO slim to none. A small price to pay for getting PLENTY.)

Good Candies (extremely subjective...could also read: "The Way to My Heart"):
Jujyfruits
Dots
Jujyfruits
Butterfingers
Swedish Fish
Swedish Berries
Swedish Men (golden gods, all of them)
Jujyfruits
Twizzlers
Cadbury Mini-eggs

Also, Carly says you ("you" being "us", who are candy and personality connoisseurs) can judge a person by the type of candy they like.

For instance: anyone who would actually put a Now and Later into their mouth, attempt to chew, and actually enjoy it is either extremely dim, extremely stubborn, severly calorically deficient, or some combination of the three. (alternatively, they can't be blamed if they actually wanted a little bit of concrete, as some do.)

Another way candy can be the metaphorical "window to the soul" is if you ever see someone willingly buy a plain Hershey's bar. boRING. The only way this is acceptable is if you (the person) is planning on making S'mores. And THIS is only acceptable if we (=ME) are invited.

Also. People who share candy are NOT to be trusted. I would never share more than one bite of candy (unless I bought a three musketeers. In this case, TAKE IT ALL, and then TAKE ME to the hospital. Something is obviously wrong)

The best thing about candy is that it tastes delicious, and can encompass anything from a three foot gummy snake ("Big Fat Hissy Fits") to a tiny little bite of heaven (Big Hunk minis) to a singular grain of Pixy Stix sugar (from the giant plastic size, obviously). I'm not going to say anything sappy like "candy brings us together" because honestly, that would only happen if you tried to eat a Now and Later and then kiss someone.
GOOD LUCK trying to get out of THAT jam. can you say TST?

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